Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome!

I am starting this blog as a stream of consciousness – hoping to achieve two purposes. Document my path to womanhood, and in the process develop a better understanding of myself.

You see, for the last 20 years of my life I have lived behind a different set of masks and personalities. I thought I wore them primarily to protect myself, but in reality it provided for an easy escape. On the one hand, I had a really hard time coming to grips with who I really was – what defined me. On the other hand it was easy to create make-believe personas and hide behind them.

It started when I was a very young boy. I never loved the name I was given, so I renamed myself Envee (green is my favorite color), and made up a whole new identity to go along with it.

When I started my transition I choose Victoria as my first name. Since that started to feel too real, I changed my last name from Smith to Vega. Once I became full-time as a woman, I legally changed my name to Victoria Smith. Unfortunately, I did not dare use that name publicly. I feared that it would expose me for who I really am.

When I entered the adult entertainment industry I went by many names. These names went with many different masks and personalities. First came Denise Diamonds (the submissive slut), then came Sasha Foxx (the versatile vixen), and last but not least came Syren DeVille (the sadistic seductress).

All of these ladies represent a small part of me. But since none of them shared my name, I felt comfortable to let my hair down and live a life of delusions. I justified all of it to myself and others by saying "I'm playing apart" – living these lives rather than trying to understand who I really was.  The gap between where these personas stopped and where Victoria started became too big. I didn't know who I was anymore – I was losing my real identity.

After getting involved with the Beautiful Transition Project, and reading a portion of Janet Mocks book "Redefining Realness," I realized that I now have no clue who I am anymore. I needed to get back to myself because well, I hated who I had become.

So here I am, at last – Victoria Smith. The real one. I will no longer hide behind personas and I'm holding myself accountable for my truth—whatever that might be and wherever that may take me. I hope you will all come along for the ride and share the many bumps and joys with me—Victoria Smith.

 

On the road to happiness

I retired from the adult industry in January 2015. And in February 2015, I began working as a full-time life coach /youth counselor for a great nonprofit organization —where I make a little more than minimum-wage. Truth be told, I couldn’t be happier with my life. Ever since I was young I’ve been consumed with money. Now that I’m in my 30s, I’ve learned that money is not really all it’s cracked up to be. I went from making about $60,000 a year, enjoying every luxury item a girl could want, and hardly working, to a 40 hours a week job with a minimum of 12 hour shifts, and with hardly any sleep. According to statistics some of the happiest people in the world are the poorest. In a way, it always struck me as odd that we live in a civilization that constantly promotes money = power and money = happiness. When I was making, what most would consider good money, I was not happy. In fact, it was probably one of the most depressing times in my life. I was suicidal, I was on depression medicine, and I would often cry myself to sleep. Now that I’ve retired from that life, and started giving back to my community, I can honestly say that I am happy. I haven’t been so happy since I am a kid. That power-hungry person is still deep inside of me – I have not totally gotten rid of her. But I am focusing my efforts in a more positive direction. Hopefully I will be able to turn the Beautiful Transition Project, which I co-founded, into a non-profit and concentrate full-time on giving back to my community. My goal is to help those people who did not have the opportunities that I was fortunate to have in my life. While my transition may not have been 100% beautiful, I was and blessed to have an accepting family, a network of people who love me and respect me, and who constantly encourage me to be at my best. For many of us who did transition successfully, there is a sense of survivor’s guilt towards those who did not make it and those who are stuck trying to make it through. I want to change that. And in the process of working on the Beautiful Transition Project, I hope this will give me the time to work on myself, love myself, and drop all the masks I used to hide behind. I want the world to see me for who I truly am. Victoria Smith.

This was a transition to love myself

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